Thanx, Y’all. You’re more understanding and supportive, continuously, than I think I could be if I were my friend.
I’m not ashamed (much) to admit to a whole helluva lot of tears right now. Lately, I seem to be throwing more pity parties than I’d like. Or at least that’s the way it feels like it looks.
In self assessment that’s partially, at least, true. I’m pissed that my “life” is curtailed. If single parenthood weren’t hard enough, I’ve taken on a “child” who is NOT loving, gifted, empathetic, hard working, determined, or even aware, let alone thankful for the sacrifices I make on the daily.
I am resentful that I have a brother in the world who makes bank, along with a wife who makes bank, posting photos of their fabulous vacations to exotic places now that they are “empty-nesters.” Oh, yes! I completely sympathize with the fact that they had to spend their son’s college fund on psychiatric care for him. That really sucks. It does. I took him in for six months. I KNOW how bad it was.
But, I also know my kid doesn’t have a college fund to spend, so she goes without care–while struggling with the deficit around here her aunt and uncle could alleviate without even sacrificing their 2nd antique British convertible or their Disney Vacation club membership. But, hey! She’s stopped cutting, right? So we’re GREAT!
I am angry that I live in the home of my childhood, where I have zero control and the emotional manipulation is beyond endurance…yet there is no escape. I ran away from home so many times when I was young that I was remanded to foster care as incorrigible and banned from my home state until I was 18 years old. There was a reason for that. There is no running now.
I am devastated beyond shattered that I am very likely going to grant my child’s request for escape. Boarding school. State funded. I’ve paid the extra costs many times over in uniforms and lunch money and gas money for rides while I’m at work and can’t do “the mom.” So, really. What’s the difference? Academically it’s the right thing to do for her future. Emotionally, she is the only reason I can endure any of this. We lose touch NOW! What is that going to be like when she’s hours from home and I can’t get away to bring her back for weekends? Will she even want to come if I can? I wouldn’t.
And truthfully, who is going to fill the gap in care when she leaves?
I am also frustrated to the point of exploding with the lack of support options for either of us.
It is SUPER easy to find groups of folks in their 50’s and 60’s caring for even older parents alone. They’re single. Mostly female. Families grown. Or none at all. Careers established. Help from siblings or spouses, but struggling.
It’s SUPER easy to find groups of folks who have taken in an elder parent with Alzheimer’s. Married folks. Married folks raising kids. Two career households where one has stopped working to care at home. Struggling.
It’s SUPER easy to find groups of folks who are caring for dementia afflicted parents who weren’t “ideal” parents. Folks who are managing the retirement funds, making medical choices, deciding whether or not to liquidate Mom’s assets from afar. Struggling.
It is absolutely impossible to find a group of single moms raising kid(s) alone, holding down a job and a half, with no other family to share the load, and caring for a destitute parent who continues the patterns of carelessness and abuse that marked an ugly childhood.
Other than this outlet, I feel completely and utterly alone and it’s frightening to realize what is happening to me.
I’m forgetting stuff. I write it down, I have a calendar, a planner, reminders on my phone. But, it’s too full. I can’t keep it in my head long enough to get it into the safety net. I’ve forgotten to get my kid from play practice. Her new glasses are probably ready, but I forgot to call and check. I had to change bank accounts, and I forgot to transfer the auto pay on the rent. I didn’t get Mom’s meds ordered until too late because of Thanksgiving closures. (Um, I DON’T GET TO CLOSE!) I am THE most efficient, organized person most of my friends know…
I’m also an amazing tech. But I am not learning and retaining the way I should. I’ve got a line on a GREAT start up. But I don’t have the time, the energy or the know how to contribute. Tomorrow, I’m turning down a major website project – social media, SEO, maintenance, the works. I just can’t. There Is No More Room In The Inn. It hurts my career, my professional reputation and my income prospects moving forward. I’ve taken a job that will forever show “downward mobility” on my resume because I can’t afford not to do it.
So, I’m falling behind. Happens to a lot of techs my age. That’s why I moved into management instead of hands on years ago. But, well, the job of my dreams has other ideas for me. We’ve covered that.
I also “dislocated” a couple of ribs with a cold that had me hacking too hard a month ago. (Thank you EDS.) Ms. “Are you even alive, where’s your blood pressure?” Has become, “We need to see you again in six weeks. If it hasn’t come down, we’ll need to consider hypertension medications.” I didn’t keep the next appointment.
Didn’t keep the follow up for my annual mammogram either – for over six years now. What’s the point? If it’s back I can’t afford treatment. Even if I could, I couldn’t take time off to get it.
Just like fixing the torn staples in my shoulder. PTO?! HAHAHAHA! I can FINALLY afford the deductible, but I waited too long. It’s more complicated now. I need THREE weeks off now, not one. So, the ole “Walmart pays almost as much, go there!” thing is kind of out.
So, who am I, even, without my ability to build and organize, tech and help? Who am I, if I’m not a full time parent either? My long term relationship ended over this, so I don’t have “wife” or “girlfriend”to provide a sense of identity outside caregiver, paycheck, transport… never mind the shared responsibility in a two-parent household.
Thanksgiving was a kind of eye opener for me. A beloved friend, well familiar with the struggle, came and stayed four whole days. I love my friend, and always feel like I am abandoning her when I take a few and let her deal. Truth. When she left, I cried. For those few days, I had a two parent house again. I wasn’t alone anymore and there was almost enough of us to go around. Even more? I wasn’t alone in standing against The Beast that has exaggerated every infuriating trait my mother ever possessed.
It made me think. Where in the HELL did my ability to employ sarcasm and dark humor to see me through to brighter days go? Where is the optimistic, “Hey! At least we have a roof over our heads and food in the fridge! It could be worse!”
Wasn’t I once, the supportive one? The level headed one? The one with sage advice and an unending desire to improve the lives of those I love? Wasn’t I always the one that could finagle a way through any darkness?
I sort of remember her. But, she’s a stranger to me now.
When you Google, “Single Parent Caring for a Parent with Alzheimer’s” do you know what you get? Ten Ways to to Manage. Know what they are? In no general order, all of the articles say the same thing: It’s SUCH a rewarding, loving thing to do! GO YOU! It will have tough moments, but if you do it right, you’ll learn valuable life lessons and come out SO much better! Seriously. Not a single one of those authors have lived it. Guaranteed.
Nevertheless, even in Psychology Today, it goes something like this:
1. Hire help. (Paid for with … ?)
2. Call in your family for backup. (Assuming they aren’t selfish assholes.)
3. Consider (before you do this, hahaha) what sacrifices you will make.
4. Be flexible with your time and resources. (What time, What resources? What if your boss doesn’t think flexible is a good thing?)
5. Be proactive in seeking support. (Yes, Thank you, Friends.)
6. Take advantage of FMLA. (Because, of course, we all have it!)
7. Divide responsibilities. (Among …. ?)
8. Consider “Memory Care Residential Services.” ($30k+ per year for the shitty ones.)
9. Take advantage of community programs like SAIL (Assuming they’re willing to GO!)
And finally, my favorite of all.
10. “Remember to practice self care.”
What in the EVER LOVING FUCK is that supposed to mean? Oh yeah, you can find 1,000’s of articles recommending it. The reality is, there is NO ROOM for self care, if that stupid phrase meant anything in the first place. It doesn’t.
Take time out to meditate? To go for a walk? To take a Yoga class? To read this fantastic book about how this whole thing works? What in the fuck planet are these people living on?
This shit show goes on 24/7. As I told a friend recently, that 24/7 is superseded by the 12/24 it takes to finance this nightmare. Sometimes it’s 18/24. There’s another 3/24 in running to appointments and practices and pharmacies and making phone calls to set up the next week’s nightmare schedule. That doesn’t even begin to count the hours (unpaid) off work to actually GO to said appointments, pick up the meds, deal with the groceries, setup the part time caregiver, handle the bills, be present for activities, and listening to countless pointless reminisces and excuses, and OMG the CARING part of care-giving.
We’re at 39/24 already and the best advice the world has to give is “take time for yourself.”
JEEZUS H. CHRIST it’s no wonder 39% of caregivers die BEFORE the people they care for, it’s a welcome fucking relief.
So, yeah. Welcome to my TED Talk. I am REALLY pissed off about the state the “Sandwich Generation” is living with, and I think you should be too.
Because, chances are, if you’re between the ages of 40 and 60, your parents are going to need your help. Are you REALLY prepared to give up your life for theirs?
